why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
