first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
