Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
