he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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