She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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