The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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