theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Help. Why am I so naked?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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