My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
