For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
