i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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