dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
