Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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