Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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