i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
