she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
