Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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