Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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