a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I understand Curling. That high.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
