just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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