I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
