Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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