he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
