no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
