I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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