It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
