Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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