God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
