I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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