She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
