I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
