Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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