I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Randomize
