You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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