my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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