Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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