What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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