He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
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