rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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