when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
