I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
