I haven't been this sober since birth.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
