i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
