dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
