Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
