bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
