Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
