Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
