My room smells like vodka and shame
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
