Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
