had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
