i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
