Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
