Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
