my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
