drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
