So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
