just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
