She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
